I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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