Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
