Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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