YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
