DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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