I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
