I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
