im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just cut my nipple shaving
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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