you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Did you pee in the oven last night??
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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