turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
