If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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