Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize