I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
