Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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