Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
