wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
