Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
