he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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