My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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