Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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