Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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