M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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