so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
