I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
