Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
