my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
