just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
