thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
My liver just had a heart attack.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
