1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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