Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Dignity is for republicans.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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