Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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