Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Randomize
