I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize