im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
