So drunk its hurt
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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