Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
