the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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