i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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