i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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