You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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