It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
