So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
