you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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