why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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