weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
