There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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