Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
