Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
