Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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