pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
