I wish I only lived at night.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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