So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize