birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
