if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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