I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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