Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
