Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
