Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
My vagina is very pro this idea
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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