thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
