I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I'm passing your future prison.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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