4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
She is in my trunk
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
