so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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