Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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