My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
