im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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