he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
